11/01/2016: Letter To The Past

(I don’t often write poems like this – mostly because I can’t stand them. This one is pretty atrocious, hence why it’s behind a cut. It’s more of a journal entry than anything. More than anything, really, it’s about my own feelings about my past, and my feelings about myself today.

This feels like a Lemony Snicket disclaimer, but really, this is one of my least favorite poems of the year…)

Dear Ten Year Old Me,

It is frightening,

Terrible,

Awful,

To come to a wholly new place,

To be the odd one out,

And know that everyone can see you for it.

 

Do not despair.

 

Clasp this to your heart:

In years to come,

You will see this change not as a curse,

But a blessing.

 

Dear Thirteen Year Old Me,

I know,

The words from the doctors

Hammer at your heart

Like beats on a drum.

Take heart: this new word

Will soon be as much a part of you

As your skin.

 

As you have weathered the storms before,

So too, you will weather this storm now.

Clutch your dreams to your heart,

So that in dark times,

You have something to comfort you.

 

Dear Eighteen Year Old Me,

This is your first broken heart.

I know,

It burns like ice against your skin.

You think no one will ever love you.

 

This is a lie.

 

There are men and women in the future,

Who will look at you,

Your bright shining smile,

Your vivid green eyes,

Your blonde hair (soon to be cropped short),

And will see in you

Something worth loving.

 

But, for today,

Learn to love yourself.

 

Dear Twenty-One Year Old Me,

You are, just now,

Figuring out the depth of what he has done to you.

 

Deep breaths.

In.

Out.

In.

Out.

 

You are more than the damage he has inflicted on you.

More than the wounds to your soul, identity, life.

 

You will go far and do much,

More than you ever thought you could with him.

 

He will not touch you again.

 

If no one tells you this, I will:

I love you, and you are beautiful and rare.

 

Dear Twenty-Five Year Old Me,

I am so sorry you had to do that;

Had to leave the person you thought you would love forever.

 

I’m sorry we changed so vastly, so quickly, so suddenly.

 

I’m sorry everything suddenly snapped into a different world.

 

Smile, though.

I know you think you are at the end of your rope:

But there are beautiful mistakes waiting for you,

Gorgeous trials that only you can defeat,

And at the end of it, you will come out the fiercer and the brighter for it.

 

Dear Me, Here, Today:

Everything is so fresh, and so scary, and so new:

But somewhere, far behind,

In a past we left far behind,

Is a ten year old girl, with long blonde hair,

Just moving from one country to another,

Frightened of the change,

And she loves you;

There is a thirteen year old girl,

Who has just been given a diagnosis of epilepsy,

And she is terrified of what this means

And she loves you;

There is an eighteen year old girl

Who has just had her heart broken

And is learning what it really means to fall in love with someone,

And by everything that is fresh

And new

And bright within her heart,

She loves you;

There is a twenty-one year old,

Who has just learned the depths to which mankind can hurt ourselves,

Just learned that she is not insane,

Just learned that she cannot ever allow herself to be wounded this way again,

And she loves you more than all the stars in the sky;

There is a twenty-five year old,

Who values you greater than comfort,

Security and a stable future,

And she loves you so much her heart burns with it:
And I love you.

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