8/04/2016: Moments

(More mushy stuff about my boyfriend under the cut: I do apologize. I actually finished this a month ago but didn’t post it until now – sorry! It’s rather rough and quite lazy.)

1. gaze

I look up from my book when I hear

The music from your fingers

And find myself meeting your gaze

And I feel –

What?

Not naked.

You know too much about me now

(and yet so curiously little)

For me to feel as if the skin is torn from my flesh

Beneath your gaze.

Uncomfortable?

Perhaps a little.

Gazes are uncomfortable things that I avoid

By staring into the stories I tell,

The dreams I’m having,

Avoiding, therefore,

People’s expectations of me,

People’s desires of me,

The idols of me constructed

In people’s gaze.

Safe?

Yes.

I feel that.

As you play and gaze at me,

I feel oddly, strangely, bizarrely safe.

2. silence

You fill up the silence, and I smile,

Because I remember being young

And feeling like all the silences needed to be filled

With words.

When I feel awkward or uncomfortable,

Or unhappy, I still fill them, rather than leave them be.

I let the silence be, now, it’s own thing,

And just smile at you,

And wait for you to smile back.

3. hypochondria

“I have a tendency towards hypochondria”

I mention, as explanation for my behavior.

“Hypochondria?” you ask “What’s that?”

“You know when you’re just a little bit sick,”

I say, “But you get paranoid and start thinking that

maybe you’re a lot sick and you’re going to die?”

“Oh yeah,” you say, understanding.

“That’s hypochondria,” I say, “The specific paranoia

relating to medicine.”

I take pleasure in knowing that the longer I know you

The better I get at explaining things to you.

4. cuddle

I lie in bed beside you, and start to feel cold.

So I roll over toward you, grab your hand, smile briefly at you,

Say some joking phrase –

Like,

“Give me that hand”

or

“Come over here”

or

“Stop lying there”

or maybe nothing at all,

And roll onto my other side, dragging your arm with me,

So that you’re now spooning me.

I hear your laugh in my hair,

As you acquiesce, asking me to lift my head so your other arm

Can lie beneath my head,

And your legs come under mine to cuddle.

And just like that,

I’m warm.

5. conversation

My flatmate apologizes for gushing about

Her new girlfriend.

“It’s just,” she says, glowing, “It’s the little things.”

I smile.

“I know,” I tell her, “Believe me, I know.”

We share stories, and coo over them.

The precious moments that people share that say to one another,

Silently,

“I love you” “I care for you” “You are important to me”.

Worth so much more in telling and in treasuring

Than the big moments.

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