People who are friends with me on fbook will have noticed I’ve been snarking Cosmo’s snapchat feed for the past, I dunno, three months? They’ll also notice I recently stopped for a bit, because my phone decided that displaying snapchat articles was for weaklings and phones that actually worked.
So here’s my latest section of my journal “All Around the Cosmos”, where once a week I pick an article (or series of articles) from Cosmo and dissect them.
This week’s article: How I Found Out I Was A Sexual Unicorn (CW: NSFW, SEX, COSMO, DISCUSSION OF IDIOCY)
Note: I am explicitly and solely using American Cosmo, because New Zealand Cosmo is actually halfway fucking decent.
What the fuck is a sexual unicorn? Is that a sex position where you use your forehead to fellate the dude’s junk or something?
No, apparently, according to Cosmo, a “sexual unicorn” is something far more suspect: it is, quote unquote, “a bisexual person who could join an existing couple without threatening their relationship”.
…sorry, that noise you heard was my brain throwing on the brakes. Wait, what?!
That’s making a helluva lot of assumptions. What if you’re a gay couple? Would you want a bisexual? And surely the emphasis would be on the couple to manage their emotional shit?
Oh, wait, this is Cosmo, where in order to be The Perfect Mate, women must purge themselves of everything! Food! Desires! And emotions!
Yup, in the Cosmos, women are basically fembots.
(But, you know, with less mechanical tits.)
So, if this article is all about sexual unicorns, then…
Oh. Oh dear.
“Fueled by alcohol and the spirit of the weekend, she took things up a notch and showed me their sex toy collection. She dressed me up in costumes — then asked me to make out with her while her husband watched and made suggestions.”
This will not end well.
(Also, costumes? Why do I have the ominous feeling one of these costumes involved a stick-on horn?
WRITER: Why am I wearing a horn?
WIFE: Because you’re our sexual unicorn?
WRITER: What does that mean?
WIFE: Uhhh…it means you can join our relationship without drama!
WRITER: Oh, okay!
HUSBAND: That is so hot.)
Sometimes I creep myself out.
If you guessed that things end badly then congratulations, you know exactly how the Cosmo status quo functions.
In fact, the story actually goes quite weirdly, in that at first, said Unicorn seems to mostly bone the wife, almost as if the couple she’s dating (?) became friends with her solely because the wife had a crush on her. Or, a little more than a crush…
“But she and I did everything together, from planning meals to planning a future. She slept curled around me in bed and we shared an easy physical affection (she’d often email him during the day to suggest including me in their foreplay). But it wasn’t just physical — we even built detailed daydreams about the three of us living together full-time.”
HOLD THE PHONE DAVID COPPERFIELD WHAT FRESH HELL IS THIS.
Look, I think polyamory is grand. I think it’s great. I think it should be legal.
But here’s the thing: she’s talking about daydreams with you, sparkly precious unicorn, not with you and her husband. In fact, the story takes a turn for the what the fuck when the Unicorn starts sleeping with the husband explicitly behind the wife’s back, all the way trying to keep with “the unicorn way”.
What part of the Unicorn way involved explicit adultery?
(No, no, Jean-Luc, it’s cool, I feel you.)
Inevitably, the whole thing blows up, and our Unicorn ends up alone and unloved.
But I’d like (if I may) to highlight a few key phrases:
“I wasn’t sure the definition fit me, but I was willing to give it a try.”
“But there were some awkward moments too — some indication that not everything was OK. “
” I pretended it didn’t bothered me.”
“This was also not the “unicorn” way — I was supposed to be “easy” and not cause problems for the couple.”
“They wanted the appearance of a conventional marriage. I wanted more than to be a toy.”
Pay attention to that second to last one – “easy” and “not cause problems”.
Not cause problems.
I’m highlighting that because that, in particular, highlights a recurring theme of the Cosmos: a conflation of drama with communication.
Because you see, our Unicorn’s dream could have worked – if they’d talked, early, to the couple, and said “Hey, this is what I want from our relationship, what do the two of you want?”
It might have meant the relationship ending early, when the three of them agreed that they had different ideas of where the relationship was going, but it would also mean that there was no emotional fucking manipulation going on.
In polyamory, as in monogamy, you have to talk to people when you’re upset and unhappy, and if you bring in new people, they have to know what you want.
Ironically, by trying not to cause drama, our Unicorn did cause drama. Her friends were emotionally manipulative (from what I can gather), and she was totally spineless, and Cosmo gets to reinvoke the status quo, where heteronormativity rules.
Happy fucking ending for everyone.