All Around the Cosmos: “Jelena” and Proper Anatomy Lessons

(I’m gonna try and make AAtC a weekly thing, so I’m getting it done now because I won’t have access to my computer for, like, two/three days this week, so best get it done now.

Articles this week are: A Timeline of All the Drama Between Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez and 11 Guys Described Seeing a Vagina For the First Time

Most of Cosmo’s coverage this week has been on the Olympics, like every other news outlet, and that has been nothing interesting, so we’ll focus on the two doofiest articles I could find.)

So I’m opening this All Around the Cosmos with an article on celebrity gossip, which is kind of like if I started commenting on a chemistry journal article: it’s something I know enough about to vaguely understand, but it’s really not something that I’m strongly interested in, or want to spend my days writing about.

In this instance, I read it because it was listed as Cosmo’s “MUST READ” article, and honestly, compared to the timeline they produced for the Taylor/Kanye drama that seems to have simmered down recently, it…wasn’t dramatic. In fact, it read to me not as a timeline of an on-again off-again relationship (though I can see how Cosmo interpreted it that way) but as a couple who lived together, were terribly in love, broke up for whatever reasons, tried to remain friends and close, and then found the combination of old feelings as well as nobody letting them fucking forget that they had dated strained the friendship to breaking point.

Like, this would be like if I and one of my exes, every time we were at an event together, had a series of friends come up and say “OH HEY YOU GUYS USED TO DATE HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THAT HOW’S THAT GOING DO YOU LIKE HIM DO YOU MISS HIM ARE YOU GONNA GET BACK TOGETHER”.

It’s more than a little juvenile.

Speaking of juvenile, over in doofy sex articles, we have men describing their reactions to seeing quote-unquote “vaginas” for the first time, a concept I find hilarious because it only works if you assume they haven’t been watching porn for 90% of their adolescence.

PayingforPr__OJST_preview.png

(Erika Moen would like to remind you that you should always pay for your porn.)

So let’s go through this point by point, as much as possible.

1. I am really embarrassed to admit this, but I had a moment of ‘Oh, is that her vagina?’

Unless you have x-ray vision, no, it’s not. In fact, none of you saw her vagina. The external genitalia on a woman is collectively referred to as the ‘vulva’. The internal genitalia is the ‘vagina’, and can only be seen if you’re a gynecologist or GP with a speculum and a light.

…I kind of want to imagine that all these men are GPs describing their first encounters with vaginas via speculums, but for some of these quotes, that clearly doesn’t work.

I just thought, I don’t see what the big deal is.

Congratulations, you now know the thought process of every cis-woman the first time they see a penis.

(I presume, anyway. I mean, maybe, somewhere, there’s a cis-woman whose first reaction to a penis was “GOLLY GOSH THAT IS JUST THE BESTEST THING EVER” but I think for most of us who were AFAB, the reaction was “…really? That’s it?”)

3. This is easily top 10 worst moments of my life. I got down there and was overwhelmed a bit, I guess. So I was feeling nervous, and to ease the tension, I looked up at her and said, ‘I hope this thing came with instructions!’ Even the voice I used, oh god. Every time I think about it, I want to lie down on the floor and fall asleep forever.”

You know, as bad as I feel for the poor dude, I also kinda feel annoyed with Cosmo for continuing with perpetuating the stereotype that vulvas are “mysterious” and “strange”.

…I have a feeling there’s gonna be a lot more of that.

‘Oh, wow, I was not prepared for this.’ Like, I’d seen enough porn at that point to know what to expect but it’s still different from actually seeing one.

You know what? Props to that dude for owning the fact that he actually watched porn, and ergo knew, roughly, what a vulva looked like. He gets props.

“I’ve never told anyone this, but I thought, Oh, what a pretty vagina.

As opposed to this dude, who starts off good…

Because it was. It was a real nice vagina. I think this girl was way more experienced than I was for my age, because she kept it shaved and at the time, I thought only porn stars did that.”

…and ends less good.

I remember thinking it was crazy that this girl let me see her vagina. Like, we were fooling around and it happened. I had this weird, like, existential crisis.

I am just going to leave that here for you to read and ponder.

Vulvas: Secretly, The Source Of All Ennui.

“‘Yep.’ That’s all I thought. Just ‘yep.’ It was a confirmation. I was ready.”

For…what? Cunnilingus? Excalibur? An attack on Helm’s Deep? Croquet with the Red Queen? What?!

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