I have trouble being honest.
Not in the general sense – if I fuck up, I own it, and I don’t lie for the sake of lying.
Where I tend to fall down though is in emotional honesty.
If somebody asks me “Is that all right with you?” or “Are you okay?” or some variant, my immediate reaction is to immediately say “Yes” regardless of the truth of the matter.
This is, basically, because all my life, I’ve been taught that emotionally, nobody is interested in who I am.
When I was a child, growing up in London, I was a target for bullies. And nothing helped – no teacher stopped them, no adult intervened on my behalf. If anything, I got more regularly told off. I was told to “stop being so sensitive!”
As an adolescent, I tried to be emotionally honest with a close friend, and admitted I was jealous that she was spending more time with another friend than she was with me. This led to a huge argument, and our eventual falling out*.
In romantic relationships, things always just go easier if I don’t tell my partner how I really feel. At least, that’s what it seems. Every time I’ve tried for honesty, somehow, it’s backfired on me, in some hideously nasty ways.
Recently, however, the opposite has been true, and lying about my emotional state has started to cost me dearly.
So I’m going to try it one more time. Emotional honesty. How I really feel. Whether I’m really okay, or whether I need time, space, or something else. I’m going to try it, regardless of the ickiness.
Let’s see how it goes.
* Caveat: This was not, actually, why we fell out – we fell out for a lot of complicated reasons. But as I remember this, this was pretty much the exact order of events that led to the falling out.