All Around the Cosmos: Astrology, Hacking and Anxiety

(Articles this AAtC are Which Astrological Sign Are You Really?, Woman Hacks Boyfriends Phone To Remind Him To Never, Ever Cheat and The Dumb Thing That Might Be Giving Guys Anxiety In The Relationship)

Cards on the table: every week, Cosmo does a ‘YOUR HOROSCOPE FOR THE WEEK’ thing and every week, I feel like I should read it but my eyes just gently glaze over the instant I start.

I haven’t even attempted reading “Which Astrological Sign Are You Really” because there is literally no point.

Look: Cosmo does weekly horoscopes. If you do weekly horoscopes, you are already saying that the star a person was born under has some effect on their personality and life. When we read horoscopes, ironically or not, that is the pact we are making.

When you then go and make a quiz saying “Which Astrological Sign Are You Really” you’re basically throwing the baby out with the bathwater. After you’ve pissed in it.


(I have an ominous feeling I’m going to be using this image a lot today.)

Look, I get that no one – not even the people who write horoscopes, really – believes in them, but there’s an illusion being maintained, and breaking that illusion is just fucking stupid and disrespectful to those members of your readership who do buy into horoscopes.

Speaking of disrespectful…


(I…I don’t…what?)

Firstly, this isn’t a hack. Like, all she did was ask (and not very politely at that). Secondly…what the fuck.

Like, what the actual cockblocking blueballs fuck.

How do you get in your mind that the right way to stop your boyfriend cheating on you is an ominous picture of yourself saying “I’M WATCHING YOU”. Like, what the hell?

Call me cynical, but I think if a dude (or lady) is going to cheat on me, they’ll cheat on me regardless of anything I do to stop it. They’re cheaters. If they cared about my feelings on the matter they wouldn’t cheat on me.

This isn’t cute, or adorable. This is controlling and icky. Dude can have whatever he wants on his phone, and putting a warning against cheating – with no apparent reason – just tells him that you’re super controlling and should be dumped, ASAP.

*deep breath*

In lighter news, apparently men are intimidated by women who want lots of sex. This is based off of this study, which if you take the time to read the abstract, you’ll quickly realize that it’s not actually saying what Cosmo says it’s saying.

COSMO: OMG, being all slutty makes men anxious!

THE STUDY: [W]omen’s displays of desire inhibited the decline in their partner’s relationship-specific insecurities, whereas women’s displays of intimacy predicted a decline in their partner’s relationship-specific insecurities.

MY TRANSLATION: Yup, women being sexy makes men anxious, but women being intimate and loving makes men less anxious. Unfortunately, the abstract doesn’t seem to cover societal pressure and how that influences our images of attachment processes, and it also doesn’t seem to cover anything other than heterosexual couples WHICH IS BALLS.

…you see the problem.

Cosmo: Always bringing you the least helpful translation of everything ever anywhere.



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