All Around The Cosmos: Sociopaths and Sudden Swerves

(Articles for this weeks AAtC are 10 Things Single People Think About Their Friend’s Kids and Yes, There Was A Naked Baby Bump On The VMAs Red Carpet.

ETA: While I usually try to use trans-inclusive language as much as possible, I open with a discussion on the target demographic for one of the above articles, and in the original typing of this post refrained from specifying that the target demographic of Cosmo is cis-women. I’ve corrected the post, and I apologize if anybody was offended.)

There are times I quite legitimately worry that Cosmo is written by sociopaths.

Sorry, I’m getting ahead of myself.

First, let’s start with the incredibly weirdness that is this checklist of things apparently ‘all’ single people think. But it’s not actually single people, because the way the post is written, it’s implied to be just cis-women, and specifically cis-women in a relationship, so what they actually mean is ‘what all unmarried cis-women in relationships who potentially want children someday think’ but I suppose that’s not as catchy.

1. “I could do that.” Having a baby is easy enough that some people do it by accident. To us child-free folks

WHOA HOLD THE PHONE COSMO.

Nononononono. THAT PHRASE DOES NOT MEAN WHAT YOU THINK IT MEANS.

Childfree = NEVER HAVING CHILDREN EVER, while your article is aimed at cis-women who will potentially have children. I know it seems like a logical phrase but WORDS MEAN THINGS ESPECIALLY ON THE INTERNET, ARBITER OF ALL.

*deep breath*

Now that that’s done, what point were you trying to make?

1. “I could do that.” Having a baby is easy enough that some people do it by accident. To us [REDACTED] folks, bragging about having a baby is like bragging about how rewarding it is to almost fall over but then catch your balance. And even if you can’t fulfill the egg-meets-sperm deed, there are other avenues to pursue that pretty much anyone could do. Except adoption … adopting a baby is tougher than getting into the FBI. Now that’s something worth bragging about. “We took a test that said we were such good people we could have someone else’s baby.”

…you know, I don’t know if I will ever have children. I currently regard children, in my future, as being rather like sprinkles on dessert. A nice thought, but not necessary.

I can tell you one thing: the thought of pregnancy terrifies the fuck out of me, so the fact that Cosmo, from a country that has a…shall we say…interesting legal relationship with abortion, has the temerity to say “Oh yeah, having babies, that’s a piece of cake!” makes me flinch and shudder.

Look up how high the mortality rates were prior to the 20th Century, then tell me how easy having a baby is.

2.”No, please, tell me what you have been up to.” When people ask, “Hey, what’s been going on in your life?” they are desperately hoping you will actually tell them something about your life.

Look, I don’t even have a kid. The closest I have are a pair of nephews and my flatmates. And even can tell you this is stupid. They’re parents. Of newborns. They live on zero sleep and 100% nerves. What, are you expecting them to say they’ve been to the opera lately?

3.”Did you really look at that picture and think, ‘People need to see this,’ or did having a kid short-circuit the part of your brain that governs your control of just hitting ‘post all’ with every photo on your phone?” This is a legitimate concern.

You know, as much as my dad likes to tease my brother about the number of photos of my nephews currently on facebook, I like them. Because I can’t see my nephews every day. I don’t get to see how they change. But the photos mean I can. And the photos mean, when they’re too old for daily photos, that their parents can look back and see the photos as well.

…I  mean, grrrr, argh, how terrible that parents use social media for their kids, everybody should be paying attention to your latest drunken selfie of course!

4.”Yeah, your kid is definitely adorable.” Make no mistake, those of you with kids have cute babies. It’s not like all your childless friends hate your kids. They love your kids. They like seeing your kids. They’re not bitter about you having kids. Your kids are great.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

It’s one of those articles.

This isn’t an article written because it’s actually things anybody needs to know. This is written because the author is really bitter that his best drinking buddy has kids and now can’t go out on a pub crawl, or worse, that now that his best buddy has kids, he’s getting clucky and his girlfriend wants none of it.

Ick.

5. “Hey, maybe leave your kids at home sometimes.” Not every invitation is also an invitation to your kid. Leave them at home for a night out so you can pretend you’re all still 21 again for a few hours.

Because every parent has access to a babysitter, every babysitter is available 24/7, and every parent actually wants to do what you’re suggesting, they’re just held back by that damn family!

I’m going even more strongly for “best drinking buddy has gotten kids and now won’t return calls” bitterness (the writer, I should note, is male. It’s possible that he’s bitter he doesn’t have kids yet, but that’s not a narrative that seems to happen often).

6. “Do you need anyone to babysit?”

You know I don’t actually have kids, but I would not be trusting anybody who wrote an article like this to care for them. I’d probably come home to find them all drinking whiskey and smoking cigars.

…actually, considering my current boyfriend, that would probably happen anyway, only with tequila and marijuana.

7. “I’m going to use your child to convince my partner to have one.”

Oh, that’s how it is? Your drinking buddy had a kid…*checks article*…Frank, and now you don’t have anyone to get riotously drunk with, on top of which your partner is nagging at you to have kids and you don’t want them.

I fail to sympathize.

8. “This story about your baby is not interesting enough to be 10 minutes long.”

Go fuck yourself, Cosmo, and Frank. With a cactus if necessary.

9.”I haven’t opened up your last 20 Snapchats because I know in my heart they’re all just videos of your baby not doing anything.”

God, you’re a bastard.

10. “Let me hold your baby.” This will make everything OK.

No, Frank. No it won’t.

And, as if to Cosmo were trying to hit the maximum amount of child!wank in a day, we have an article about a woman going down the red carpet showing off her baby bump.

1313178415025

(I figure I’ll try and go through every sci-fi captain I can, see how many science fiction facepalms I can gather whilst snarking the Cosmos. Here’s Sisko, using his half-Prophet awesomeness to see that this is going to end soooooooooooo badly.)

The subtitle for this is “One woman’s sweet moment is another woman’s bitter blog post” which I think kind of sums up this All Around the Cosmos.

For reference, here’s an image:

gallery-1472429712-gettyimages-597192768-1

Now, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that outfit (aside, you know, from the fact that it’s hideous, but what do I know about fashion).

But Cosmo could not let this stand.

If I wanted to see this, I’d scroll through my Facebook feed, which is 30 percent photos of men I went to high school with resting their heads on the pregnant bellies of their glowing wives. And if I sound bitter it’s because my eggs are drying up as I type this.

Um…

If it bothers you that much…close the browser?

I don’t know what to tell you except, if you’re that bitter that other people are getting pregnant, maybe unfriend that 30% of your facebook group, and stop reporting for Cosmo, because you’re going to deal with a lot of pregnancy stories.

(Bet you anything in like, two years she finds a partner, gets pregnant and becomes the most obnoxious mother ever. You know. The exact type of person Frank is describing. What goes around…)

 

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