(Article for today is just the one: Science Finally Has An Answer For Why Dudes Prefer Certain Body Shapes.)
Are we really going down this rabbit hole?
(At least there are unlikely to be any bad-tempered croquet mallets down here.)
So, Cosmo is doing an article on, apparently, why men like da booty. This article is basically ripped from a website called Mind Body Green, a website I have never heard of, but whose very name makes me want to go and eat a bloody steak and some fried chicken wings, just to spite them.
According to Cosmo, a study released by the University of Texas states that men prefer women with more junk in the trunk because it ‘enables pregnant women to balance their weight over their hips’.
Let’s get a couple of things straight here: first, as previously established, Cosmo is really bad at dealing with scientific articles of any kind. But more importantly…I do beg your pardon, what?
I don’t think Cosmo is aware of the concept of ‘changing standards of beauty’.
(Awww, yeah, lookit that booty. Aphrodite, Kim Kardashian, it’s like they’re the same person!)
In fairness, I don’t think Cosmo actually understood the abstract of the study. They’re talking primarily about whether wedging on the third-last lumbar verterbrae has an impact on male attraction.
(Gosh, this is turning picture-heavy. Anyway, this is your lumbar vertebrae.)
So yeah, third-to-last has a bit of wedging going on, which is part of why our spine has the significant ‘S’ shape that it does.
Now, Cosmo reveals this as if it explains why men like big butts. In fact, the subtitle is literally “Men = Animals Science = Magic” which makes me want to retch. Except the entire point of the abstract is that that’s not what men have evolved attraction towards. The entire point of the study is that men have evolved an attraction toward women whose backs have a specific wedge just above the buttocks, and that this is significantly more attractive on an animalistic level than buttock mass.
The abstract explicitly ends on: “Men again tended to prefer women exhibiting cues to a degree of vertebral wedging closer to optimum. This included preferring women whose lumbar curvature specifically reflected vertebral wedging rather than buttock mass. These findings reveal novel, theoretically anchored, and previously undiscovered standards of attractiveness.”
Translation: “Cosmo, you fail.”
(Janeway has not had enough coffee for this crap and neither have I.)
And all of this would maybe, maybe be forgiveable, if Cosmo didn’t end the article like this:
“Hence, dudes, who biologically want to impregnate you, are always looking for that big-bottomed gal to carry their seed. (Again, sorry.)”
Die in a fire, Cosmo. Die in all of the fires.