(So, long before I started actually snarking Cosmo on my facebook, I wrote this rebuttal to one of the articles I would later snark on my facebook anyway, and it’s been sitting in my drafts folder forever, so I figured I might as well publish it. Fair warning: you will know probably way more about my relationships with blowjobs than you may actually be comfortable with (turn back now, brothers mine). So, in the meantime, enjoy the very, very, VERY first AAtC.)
Article Title: 15 Things Women Wish Men Knew About BJs
(Italics mine, bold is Cosmo)
1. I know what you’re doing when I suddenly feel my head being nudged in a certain direction.
I…would hope so? And I guess he would too? Are you under the impression men think that they’re surprising you with their dicks when they push your head down? They’re really not.
Yeah, your “subtle” please-give-me-a-BJmove is not subtle at all. Women are all talking about this behind your back. We know what’s going on.
Oh, sweetie. Men aren’t trying to be subtle. The head push is literally about as subtle as the bloke in question literally asking “Hey sweetie, could you suck my dick?” and for the record, as far as I am aware, no male in the history of ever has thought the head push was him being subtle.
Look, I know you work for the magazine that thinks ‘consent’ is a dirty word and that you can seduce a man by holding your head at exactly the right angle, so I’m just come out and say it: Cosmo ripping guys a new one for trying to be subtle is like George Carlin telling the South Park creators they swear too much.
2. The very first thought that goes through my head is, “Do I know when the last time this dude showered was?”
Also, this is meant to be a checklist of things all women think, right? Because I trust all of my partners to be well-groomed individuals enough that they’ve showered at least once within the last 24 hours.
Some penises smell foul, and almost always, those penises have not been washed recently.
I hate to point this out Cosmo but, uh, just because your dude has showered recently – like immediately – does not mean he has, in fact, folded back his foreskin, washed the glans, the corona and the foreskin surface.
Especially in the summer, when all the little nicks and crannies of our bodies are filled with tiny pools of sweat, showering pre-oral sex is a nice courtesy.
See, I don’t actually have a problem with my partners sweating, because I firmly believe that my partners are all human beings and are allowed to possess human traits, like stinkiness. Cosmo, evidently, disagrees.
You can always just turn the shower into even more foreplay.
I can’t speak for everybody. Maybe it’s just me. But personally, there is literally nothing less appealing about an uncircumcised dick than watching it get cleaned.
I mean, I’ll still do unspeakably filthy things to it, but they will not be the first things that come to mind.
3. The very second thought that goes through my head is, “If boys don’t wipe, is there, like, leftover pee dribble on this thing?” Seriously tho, can someone answer this for me? Should I be concerned about the pee residue?
Yes. Yes there is. Not necessarily on the dick itself, but certainly in the urethral canal. Which means that every time you have a dick in your mouth and he starts producing precum, you get a bit of pee in your mouth.
Make peace with the fact that you have had your partners pee in your mouth, and move on.
4. When my face is that up-close to your dick, time moves at least four times slower than normal.
This…is actually entirely accurate to my own experience. I have no objections to it at all. Next!
5. I have literally zero clue what to do about your balls.
…Really? Play with them. Massage them. Lick them. Suck them. THEY ARE JUST BITS OF SKIN THAT ARE SUPER SENSITIVE. Seriously, woman.
Putting my mouth near them seems … gross.
It’s less gross than putting your mouth on his cock, so if you’re fine with that, I do not get your objections. NEXT.
6. Giving a man a blow job does not equal going down on a woman.
Like, I am sure going down on women is difficult in its own ways, but having to concentrate on suction and moisture and looking hot while you’re doing it, all while dealing with a gag reflex and tired jaw muscles is a chore.
First of all, what the hell do you mean ‘looking hot while you’re doing it’? If I have a cock in my mouth, I automatically look hot, I don’t have to work at it. Secondly, oh, bitch, you did not just say that sucking off a cock is harder than eating a woman out.
You ever licked an ice cream cone? Licked it real long and real hard, until eventually your tongue gets sore, and you realize you pulled a muscle in your fucking tongue?
Welcome to the hazards of eating women out! On top of which…seriously, you make a sex act, which is meant to be fun, sound like fucking work.
I’ve given blowjobs. You know why? Because I fucking wanted to. Not because it made me look ‘hot’ or any bullshit, but because it was fun for me.
Your jaw is getting sore? Here’s an idea: stop sucking and lick the cock. Or suck his balls. Or jerk him off. Give yourself a goddamn break.
Jesus, are all Cosmo writers virgins or something?
7. It freaks me TF out when you’re dead silent.
Yeah, I also get this one. Maybe she’s not a virgin, just has a habit of indulging in sex acts she really doesn’t want. In which case, oh honey, no.
8. I start getting bored after, like, 30 seconds.
…why are you engaging in this sex act if you find it so dull?
Like, no, seriously: I get that there’s this cache around men to having your dick sucked, but if the girl in question finds it dull as bricks, she can’t be giving a good one. Wouldn’t you rather engage in a sex act you both find enjoyable?
Here’s an idea, Random Cosmo Writer No. 58: Next time, go 69. Maybe then you’ll actually have fun.
9. You absolutely do not get to come in my mouth/on my face without clearing it with me first.
No, that makes sense.
10. I don’t have to swallow anything if I don’t feel like it.
This also makes logical sense. Look at you! Being all pro-consent.
(I can’t really talk to this, given that I have literally had a boyfriend say to me “Sweetie, you know you don’t have to swallow” and replied with “…but that means leaving the bed”.)
11. It’s incredibly discomforting when you have zero pubic hair, TBH.
12. It’s also a little cumbersome when you have a ton of pubic hair.
So now we have unrealistic standards for male pubic hair as well as female pubic hair? Lady, hair grows: deal with it. If it’s too much of a hassle, politely ask your gentleman friend to trim. If he trims too much, harden the fuck up and deal because guess what: IT’S NOT YOUR BODY, YOU DON’T GET A FUCKING SAY.
13. I’m going to stop the second my jaw gets sore, even if you haven’t finished yet.
Or…you could jerk him off. You know, like I said earlier. There are options besides just suction.
Also, I’m slightly weirded out at the implication that she’s blowing him just to give him an orgasm. In my experience I tend to blow guys on the way to mind-melting sex.
But I may be an outlier, who the fuck knows.
14. I’ll give you a blow job when I want to, and only when I want to.
Yes. Congratulations: that is the meaning of consent.
15. Just because I’m on my period and don’t feel like having sex does not mean I’m going to give you a blow job.
Well…obviously because blow jobs are a form of sex…?
Do you only date assholes, Random Cosmo Writer No. 58? …are you okay?
(So, of 15 things that it’s implied all women agree with, I agree with…six. Ish. FAIL.)