All Around the Cosmos: From Ethics, to Rage, to Doofiness

(This week’s AAtC is a bit early, due to the fact I’m going to be sequestering myself at the university from tomorrow on (CURSE YOU ALEXANDER POPE) when I’m not being sociable or cleaning MY ENTIRE FLAT.

So, doesn’t leave a lot of wriggle room for an AAtC, so I’m getting it done a day ahead, right before I track done the files I’ll be printing out and annotating tomorrow.

First, I’d be remiss if I didn’t note that cosmopolitan.com has done a redesign! It looks like somebody vomited pastel everywhere. Look, I get that Cosmo has always done the ‘pink = girly’ thing (and they at times seem uncomfortably aware that their real demographic are teenage girls) but for a supposed ‘women’s magazine’ it’s a little demeaning.

Secondly, articles for this entry are You’ll Never Want To Eat Candy Again After Watching This Video, Wine is Good for Your Brain, According to Science, and, because I can only rage so long, 5 Dorm Room Sex Positions Every College Student Needs In Her Life because let’s be real, the only reason any of us ever read Cosmo was for the doofy sex articles.)

So Cosmo gets off to a rousing start with discussing how gummy bears are made.

Now, if you’re vegetarian or vegan, I can kind of understand being grossed out by the video in question – it’s made the rounds on my facebook account. And to a certain extent I get it: we live in a society so totally divorced from the actual process of butchering that to cut all meat and meat products from your diet can be quite difficult (vegetarians should cut most cheese, for instance, since it’s made with rennet, which is sourced from the lining of a cow’s stomach. Enjoy that cheese sandwich you were eating.)

I already knew where gelatin came from – my mother told me when I was quite young. My family is a family of meat-eaters and leather-wearers, and we all believe (or at least, my mother and I believed – I never had the conversation with my brothers or father, but I think they share similar views) that the only way to ethically eat meat is if you use every part of the animal, from hoof (which you can use to make gelatin, by the by) to skin (for leather). My mother even made an ex-boyfriend brawn once after he won half a pig in a raffle (it’s a gelatin-based meat dish made from the head of a pig. If the video in the article upset you, I would strongly recommend not googling videos of how to make brawn, as that will actually disgust you).

So, the video didn’t distress me. What annoyed me was, yet again, Cosmo acknowledging that they know where the gelatin came from (they say so explicitly) and were still grossed out.

I had a butcher’s in my town, growing up. I rather liked the butcher’s. He was a nice man. But when you are in a proper butcher, you know that what you are looking at is a dead animal. You don’t get that in a supermarket.

In fact, random fact: my brother and I went through a period of near-vegetarianism – not out of morality, we just didn’t like the taste of meat. And then we came back to eating it, quite happily. I think the video is beautiful, because it shows respect for the animal by using as much of it as possible.

You are, of course, welcome to disagree with me.

*gets off soapbox*

Right, onto the All Across the Cosmos you know and love, mainly where I rant about Cosmo being stupid, rather than people in general being stupid.

Let’s start with the old stand-by of Cosmo attempting, valiantly, to talk SCIENCE.

Cosmo is discussing this, actually incredibly interesting article about how experts develop specific parts of the brains, specifically how sommeliers (wine experts) develop the parts of the brain relating to olfactory senses (smell). Since this is the area often hit by neurodegenerative diseases, this could suggest perhaps a statistical correlation between sommeliers and resistance to neurodegenerative disease.

Cosmo boils this down to, in essence, drinking more wine will stop you getting brain disease, which is not in the slightest bit what the article is saying and ignores what sommeliers actually do.

See, there’s a difference between just drinking the same old gut-rot every day to get drunk, and developing a very particular palate (I mean, we can argue that most of what sommeliers do is lying, but that is an article for another day). There is still a specific palate developed when one drinks a specific type of alcohol; what a sommelier gets from a bottle of sauvignon blanc is going to be very different from what I get, and what I get from a pilsner is going to be very different from what a sommelier gets.

Translation: Yes, drinking wine may help prevent neurodegenerative disease, but only if you drink wine as a sommelier might and not just according to your own tastes.

kirk-facepalm

(Even Kirk has had enough of Cosmo’s shit when it comes to science.)

Finally, because, let’s face it, I have been waaaaaaaaaaay too serious, let’s have a doofy sex article to cheer things up. Specifically one on dorm room sex positions.

Caveat: I have never lived in a dorm room. Or the New Zealand equivalent, a hall of residence. I did once bone somebody who was living in one, but that was a very long time ago.

So let’s go through each of the positions and discuss what’s fucking hilarious about them.

Numero uno: The Mini-Fridge Mambo.

Oh. Oh you wish I was making this up.

“Have him sit his ass atop the mini-fridge. (Put a towel down first because it is cold, plus butt on fridge = yuck.)  Back yourself onto his lap, giving him an eyeful of your glorious butt as you lower yourself onto him. Ride him via a combination of pure thigh-strength and his hands guiding your hips. Or, you can grab a sturdy chair (see below) to put your hands on for leverage. Yum.”

Is there a specific reason this has to be on a mini-fridge? Can’t this just as easily be accomplished on a chair or bed? In fact, wouldn’t the gentleman get better leverage on a bed where he can push his arms back?

Numero deux: Chair-Y Nice

I swear to god I’m not making these names up.

College furniture is pretty ugly but, damn, that stuff is sturdy. Grab that standard issue chair and lean over it, holding on to the back. Bend your knee and prop one foot up on the seat. Have him come in from the rear—either entry point is fine, you’re in college, experiment. If you decide to go for the rear-rear door (go slow and use a shit-load of lube, so to speak), that good ol’ sturdy chair will give you something to grab onto when/if you need it. “

NO. NO NO NO.

Look, if you’re advising women to go anal, that’s fine. But don’t just say “Oh, yeah, lube” and leave it at that! There’s a whole bunch of other things you have to do before you start doing anal! WHAT THE FUCK, DUDE?

Also, does Cosmo come from some sort of alternate universe where men enter you and instantly come, because I don’t know about you, but that position sounds like it is going to be painful to hold for longer than, I dunno, a minute?

Also, are all of these pentrative positions? Can’t we get, like, one interesting oral position?

(Spoiler: Yes, they are, and no, you won’t.)

Nommer drie: Twin Bed Tryst

For those of you wondering how I keep winning the drinking game “Categories: Sex Positions”……………..now you now.

Extra skinny twin beds present a unique problem: tons of vertical space, not so much space for rolling around. Go tall with a standing dog/downward dog mashup. Get in downward dog, with your legs spread wider than your yoga instructor would approve. He’ll come in from behind, doing a reacharound for you if he’s a keeper. If you don’t want anyone bearing witness to your unholy yoga, don’t forget to alert your roommate with your prearranged secret “don’t come in, we’re fucking” signal: a sock on the doorknob, a cryptic symbol on your door’s white board, etc…

“Unholy” is the right word; this sounds like it has the potential to go very, very wrong very, very fast. It’s also assuming an awful lot about the dimensions of the bed and gentleman and woman involved, i.e. that they’re essentially the same height.

Like, I just tried to imagine my flatmate, who is about a half-a-foot shorter than her tall, lanky boyfriend pulling this off, and giggled hysterically.

(For anyone who wants actual sex advice: a far better way to do something like this would be with the gentleman on his knees off the bed, the woman on her knees in front of the bed and then lying on the actual bed itself. No gymnastics involved and no problems of height.)

Uimhir a ceathair: Loft in Space

………………………………………….if this does not involve sexy ’90’s Matt LeBlanc, I will deeply disappointed.

matt_leblanc

(Oh, Matt LeBlanc. You were so very, very pretty in such an awful, awful film.)

Alas, no.

Bunk beds: shitty to sleep in, but full of creative sex solutions. Have your partner stand behind you and enter from behind. Normally standing positions can throw people off balance, but using the frame of the bed to brace yourselves, you’ll have a slip-free sex sesh without trying to pretend fitting two bodies on a twin bed is comfortable. Bonus: when you get tired, you can rest your head on the top bunk. Sorry, roomie. 

Um.

Yet again, I don’t think Cosmo understands how human bodies work, or that we’re not all 5’9”. Like, if you’re not as tall as the bunk bed, you’re losing out on this one.

Also, uh…Cosmo, looking at your diagram, you are aware that erect penises come at different angles, right? And lengths?

I think Cosmo basically assumes all of it’s readers are shapeshifters to some degree.

Numeron kvin: Desk-Side Get-Down

If the constant sound of a bunch of drunk people walking through the hall kills the mood, put on some music loud enough to muffle your sounds but not loud enough to annoy that complain-y person down the hall. Lie flat on the desk, face down with your legs spread. He’ll stand, and enter from behind. If you have a loud-ass vibe that you love, now is the time you can (finally!) fire it up. If he’s especially gifted, he can switch between his thrusts and pressing the vibe against you, at which point you may need to turn the music up even louder. 

Wait, so…you’re playing loud music…and a vibe…just to hide the fact that you’re having sex?

Cosmo is somehow simultaneously trying to be really racy and incredibly prudish, and it’s making me feel really weird.

Also, I don’t know about you. But if I was in a hall, having sex with a dude, I would not hide it with a vibe. I would be like, “YES I AM HAVING SEX WHAT THE FUCK OF IT BITCHES.”

…I don’t do Walks of Shame anymore. I do Walks of You Wished You Tapped This Ass.

So, to sum up, Cosmo, in attempting to make the age-old act of ‘sex’ seem new and exciting manages to display that they apparently don’t know how human bodies work. Or even, really, how sex works.

So what else is new?

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