All Around the Cosmos: …do Cosmo read this?

(Articles for this one are What Kind of Drunk Are You According to Science, If You Like Gin You Might Be A Psychopath and 5 Sex Positions For Enhanced Clit Stimulation. Links are in the article.)

I have no idea how to feel about this.

In my research for this I read two – two! – science-y articles by Cosmo and  both of them were fine. In fact, better than fine: both of them accurately reported the scientific finding, complete with quotations from the abstract and seemed to fully and completely understand what the science report was saying.

I feel like either Cosmo has secretly been reading my tiny little bitchfest, or someone at their offices noticed the recent slip-up.

First on the chopping block is the charmingly-titled What Kind of Drunk Are You According To Science. In short, scientists took a pool of 374 people (the abstract does not state whether they made allowances for gender and race) and was testing to determine alcoholic personalities, and grouped them based on the five-factor model, or the Big Five: Extraversion, Agreeableness, Conscientiousness, Neuroticism and Intellect. Cosmo leaves this out but is still quite accurate, managing, shock of shocks, to dumb it down without actually leaving any information out.

The full study can be found here and I really recommend you give, at the very least, the abstract a quick read, because it looks absolutely fascinating.

Cosmo does make a few missteps, though…

Ernest Hemingway: Named for the famous writer and perhaps even more famous drinker, people in this category show similar personality traits when drunk and sober. As Hemingway once said, he could “drink hells any amount of whiskey without getting drunk.” Forty percent of those tested fell into this category.

That’s…not actually what the abstract says. It actually says that those tested have a decrease in Intellect and Conscientiousness, indicating that the Ernest Hemingways, although difficult to tell that they’re drunk, do still report typical drunken behavior, like lack of inhibition; it just doesn’t affect their basic personality.

(If you’re wondering, I’m definitely a Mary Poppins as is my boyfriend, and his flatmate is a Nutty Professor.)

The other science article by Cosmo that took me by surprise was If You Like Gin, You Might Be A Psychopath. This is all related to this study about how taste preferences line up with antisocial behaviors, and how a preference for bitter-tasting things links up with malevolent and sadistic behavior, and to my surprise, most of the article is Cosmo quoting the Abstract.

But again, Cosmo gets so close…and yet so far. Because I mean, I’m not a psych major. never have been. But even can tell you that a positive test indicator for antisocial behavior is not an indicator that yes, you are definitely, for sure, a psychopath, run away now. A better title would be If You Like Gin, You Might Be Antisocial.

Finally, because I’ve been too serious and (honestly) too taken by surprise, let’s have a bit of fun at Cosmo’s expense. Last article of the day is 5 Sex Positions for Enhanced Clit Stimulation.

Cosmo: You just get the guy to touch it. That’s all. That’s seriously all. You…you don’t need to make this A Thing.

Nimewo yon sel: The Open Bar

Lots of women have their most reliable orgasms by leaning back and rubbing, circling, or tapping their clits. If this is you, then do that. Hop on a bar stool (or dresser or table) and spread your legs. The positioning gives you free rein to rub yourself as you please. This makes his thrusts inside you feel extra amazing, plus he gets to watch exactly how you like to be touched.

NO. NO NO NO.

THIS IS A TERRIBLE IDEA.

Look, the instant you say ‘fucking on a stool’ all I hear is ‘one wrong thrust and you are both falling to the floor, hurting parts of the body that should not be hurt’.

NO, COSMO, NO. Bar stools are treacherous enough, you gotta add fucking?

babylon-5-john-is-not-happy-and-a-shadow-approaches

(I couldn’t find an image of Sheridan facepalming, so instead have Sheridan deathglaring you. You know he’s already tried it with Delenn.)

Number kaks: Riding the Edge

(Why, Cosmo? Why these stupid goddamn names?)

Lie on your back with him flat on top of you, then straighten your legs and press them together with his legs on the outside. Roll your hips slowly and take … your … time. When one or both of you feels close, stop. Kiss, stroke his back, stare into his eyes, whatever stops the momentum. Repeat ’til you both are dying to finish — the point is to get so turned on that even if your clit is not being stroked in exactly the way you like it, orgasm is beyond inevitable.

…I don’t get it.

Like, maybe I’d need to actually try it to find out if it works, but for me I hear this and all I think is “if you’re gonna go into orgasm denial, just go into orgasm denial, stop wussing the fuck out”.

Also, if kissing your partner stops them fucking you………..I don’t know what to say to you except that sound like one lame relationship.

Nummer drei: The Grinder

(That doesn’t sound like a sex move, that sounds like a horror movie! And the picture below doesn’t  help!)

(Also, I’m having the uncomfortable realization that, instead of counting up to five, I could have made this a lot simpler by just putting ‘number one’ in a bunch of different languages. Alas.)

If you’re a grinder (folded blanket, wanton pillow, innocent Teddy Bear), try recreating the feeling with, like, an actual human lover by mounting your dude, facing his feet and pressing your vulvic zone onto his leg. Both of you can thrust, while you rub against his leg. Is it getting hotter in here? 

So he’s thrusting his penis…against the outside of your thigh? …………….hot?

I don’t think Cosmo gave any thought to how hot this would be for the guy, or if they did, I think their only thought process was “But he gets to see you get it off!”

Numero quattro: The Electric Cowgirl

(I hope this doesn’t end up with someone going to the hospital…)

Standard cowgirl is great, but if you’ve tried this and … nothing, you’re going to need to bring in reinforcements. For analogue boosters, lean down and rub against his pubic bone, or have him rub a wet thumb across your clit. For more super-charged results, have him wear a cock ring that vibrates for you. It’ll also keep him hard as hell (also for you!).

…couldn’t all of these have been basically boiled down to “Have him wear a vibrating cock ring or wear a partner’s vibrator”? BOOM. Done. Did we really need five of these positions?

Uimhir a cuig: Tunnel of Love

(I have a bad feeling about this…)

Assume the doggy style position, but instead of a straight-on pounding, have him slide his penis under you and across your clit. Lube up your hand and cup it around his penis to create sort of a makeshift vag/hand job thing, and he’ll be more than happy to service you this way. 

Cosmo, you are drastically underestimating what a vag feels like and also the amount of time the average woman can stay in doggy style position before her arms start to kill her.

Also, how is this meant to work? You’re giving him a hand-job from below…while he rubs your clit with his dick…but not…? So the dude is rubbing your clit while you give him half a handjob and this is meant to be fine? And not basically you just giving him a balls handjob?

I don’t think Cosmo ever actually think these positions through.

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